| Review:
(Note: The odd membership options we refer to at
the end of this review have changed to the even stranger $40-a-year
deal. It's hard to figure out. This site is part of the same membership
as Zexy Teens
though, so if you don't want to join for a year, join Zexy Teens for a
month. You'll still get access to this site.-Eds.)
Polish My Helmet is an odd sort of porn site. Odd because the star of
the show isn't some hot model, but an Average Joe whose face you never
see. He usually wears a red t-shirt that covers up what is otherwise
exposed to be a rather hairy belly. He doesn't have a super-huge dick,
and he doesn't deliver a massive money shot. But as soon as he puts on
that red t-shirt women start blowing him all over the place.
(Total digression: It has become very fashionable for men, or at
least the male talent in porn, to shave their cocks. There is some
practical justification for this in that women don't want to keep
stopping to pick hairs out of their mouth during a blow-job. But really,
we think it looks kind of weird. We're not used to it yet. And it looks
even more weird in a case like this where you have a guy with hairy legs
and a hairy belly with a totally shaved cock. Digression over.)
Anyhow, the thing going on here is that you are supposed to identify
with the faceless guy in the red t-shirt. This is done by (a) keeping
him faceless; and (b) shooting most of the action POV (that's
point-of-view, the point-of-view being that of the guy getting blown).
Hence the come-on: "Our blowjob queens polish your dick 'til
it shines", "Watch these sluts suck your cock",
etc.
If you're familiar with the POV blowjob stuff then you know if it's
for you. We'd only add the obvious observation that this is a limited
perspective. It's a heroic enough job getting a blowjob and just keeping
the camera focused. Don't expect anything fancy (editing, different
camera positions, lighting). Just a camera looking down between the
guy's legs as the girl does her thing.
Actually, the site limits itself quite a bit. It doesn't just
specialize in blowjobs. Blowjobs are really the only item on the menu.
There's a bit of masturbation and some tit-fucking, but there isn't a
whole lot of variation. One movie took place outdoors on a boat,
otherwise it seemed to be pretty much all just shot in "Red"'s
house (which is apparently in Florida).
Site design and presentation is really stripped down. Black background with hardly any
text at all (we didn't even catch Red's name!). The movies are
arranged on seven pages, nine movies a page when we checked in. Each movie can be
downloaded as one large file that's around 20-30 minutes (approximately
100 megs) or in 4 meg/1 minute clips. Playback is a respectable 500
kb/s. There didn't seem to be any pics at all (which isn't surprising,
given how the stuff is filmed, and isn't disappointing either, given
that it's a video site).
The most impressive thing about the site is the update schedule. New
movies are coming out three times a week! This guy is really getting his
helmet polished, no question about that. And as a bonus you get three teen sites.
These were small and not all that impressive (Kara's didn't seem to be
updating anymore), but they do add a bit of extra value for your
membership.
This is a modest little niche site. It's a little too pared-down in
some ways though. There's obviously a lot of work being put into it, but
little effort at giving the whole thing more personality. The trial
rate is fair for fans of this style of porn. The two-month membership is
another oddity (why two months?) and also a little pricey.
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